Is it bad? | Fall Memoir

September 6, 2016

 

is it bad that i'm content?  is it bad that after living out of my suitcase for nearly six months and seeing the far ends of more than just my hometown that i am more than content to be landed back home for all of five minutes?  i used to resent the phrase, "absence makes the heart grow fonder" because i always associated it with love and relationships.  not only was i naive, but i was shrouding myself in this cloud of oblivion that i could never miss that place where i came from and spent most of my childhood life.  only after i leave and later return do i realise just how content i am with the day-to-day familiarities of my mundane home life.  i then came to the realisation that life is only as mundane as you make it.  there is a quote by Wayne Dyer that reads, "if you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change."  YASS, retweet, reblog, like etc.  i used to find myself in the slums of the ordinary until i made the ordinary extraordinary, and quite honestly i've changed my entire outlook on all things life. 

 

so no, it's not bad.

 

is it bad that i am perfectly content with my own company??  honest to goodness i would much more prefer a road trip with myself and maybe some adele and ben howard serenading me along the way rather than cooping myself up in a contained space with the presence of another human being pretending i want to spend the rest of my life with them.  i can't even count how many times i've sat in rather busy cafes simply watching the interaction and the human noise they were making.  there were times i would catch myself thinking, "damn, wish i were in a relationship just so i could force someone to keep me company and smash some food with," but i've been there, done that.  to be perfectly honest, i'm not much of a commitment jockey anymore. and no i don't mean i would rather have multiple hookups going on at once, but rather the fact that i simply realised that it is perfectly okay to be your best self for yourself.  on that same note, i don't think it's even an option for me to be comfortable enough to share my entire being with someone until i at least have a foundation of self and worth.  we need to know how to be alone and not define ourselves based on other peoples opinions of us, including the positive ones.  i've loved people who haven't loved me and have been loved by people i didn't in return, and i don't know which is worse, to be broken or to break.  i'm trying my absolute hardest to not sound completely cynical about love and affection here because i also know that if executed and maintained in a healthy way, a meaningful relationship can be quite fulfilling,  who knows, maybe someone will one day come along and make me feel less cynical, but alas, i am perfectly content with my own company for the time being.

 

so no, it’s not bad.

 

is it bad that i’m quite content with my current friendships?  that i don't necessarily feel the need to pursue more or even branch out of my comfort zone all that much to foster new people?  i can honestly say that i am in a place in my life where i am happy with my current relationships.  although they all can be quite trying at times, that is perfectly fine with me.  i would much rather spend what time i do have trying to maintain those healthy friendships of which i have been so grateful for for years.  people come and go, and that’s okay.  i do too. 

 

so no, it’s not bad.

 

and lastly, is it bad that although i freaking loove summer, i am more than ready for fall to come full force?  i like to believe that i am a deep thinker and lover of all things feelings.  okay, i’ll come right out and say it.. i’m an emotional eater.  and honestly what better time of the year is there to be one??  it’s a time when earl greys and espresso are acceptable at all hours of the day.  movies and chill??? yes please.  heavy blankets?? sweaters?? bon fires¿  and don't even get me started on meaningful reads and long drives into the abyss of colour.  i love it all.  the only time when fall isn't highly anticipated is if our summer wasn't one to remember, and frankly mine was unforgettable.  this is also the time of year when i feel myself getting more connected in my relationship with God, both emotionally and spiritually.  i'm ready to watch the leaves change and slowly fade to the earth. i'm oddly intrigued by the idea of life and death, so how comforting is it to know that even the most grand of forests will too pass and be slowly welcomed back as spring so generously holds the door for them? crappy analogy for religion, but hey it works for me :)

 

so no, it’s not bad.

 

so stay humble, stay beautiful, feel all the damn feelings you can, and realize your blessings every single day because, “if you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.”

 

chase loreto xx

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